Perfectionism Isn’t About High Standards — It’s About Fear
Perfectionism is one of those words that gets misunderstood.
People often assume it means you simply “like things done well” or that you have “high standards.”
But if you live with perfectionism, you know it is not about striving for excellence. It is about fear.
Fear of failure.
Fear of judgment.
Fear of not being enough.
And that fear does not drive you forward in a healthy way. It keeps you trapped.
What Perfectionism Really Is
Perfectionism is not the pursuit of quality. You can have high standards without being a perfectionist.
The difference is in the motivation.
High standards come from a place of care and commitment. You want to do good work because it matters to you.
Perfectionism comes from fear. You believe mistakes make you unworthy. You over-function, over-check, and overthink, not to improve, but to protect yourself.
Perfectionism is not about wanting the best. It is about trying to avoid shame.
How Fear Shows Up in Perfectionism
Perfectionism often hides beneath phrases like:
“I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
“If I don’t do it, no one else will.”
“I’ll rest once this project is perfect.”
Underneath each of these is fear.
Fear of rejection if you let someone down.
Fear of losing control if you delegate.
Fear of being seen as lazy or less-than if you stop.
Perfectionism is a coping strategy. It creates the illusion of control, while keeping you stuck in anxiety and exhaustion.
Why Perfectionism Feels So Exhausting
Living in perfectionism is like running a never-ending race where the finish line keeps moving.
Even when you accomplish something, the relief is temporary. Almost immediately, your mind says:
“What if they find a mistake?”
“I should have done better.”
“On to the next.”
This cycle is not about ambition. It is about fear keeping you on high alert, convincing you that if you stop striving, you will lose your worth.
The Cost of Perfectionism
Perfectionism does not only drain your energy. It also:
Erodes confidence, because no achievement ever feels like “enough.”
Fuels overthinking, because you second-guess every choice.
Strains relationships, because you over-function for others and resent it later.
Blocks fulfillment, because life becomes about avoiding mistakes, not living meaningfully.
In the long run, perfectionism is not sustainable. It leads to burnout, disconnection, and emptiness.
What Helps Shift Perfectionism
The opposite of perfectionism is not “sloppiness” or “lowering your standards.” It is courage.
1. Redefine mistakes.
Mistakes are not proof you are unworthy. They are part of growth.
2. Anchor to values, not fear.
Ask: “What matters to me here?” instead of “What will people think of me?”
3. Practice “good enough.”
Try finishing a task at 80% and notice the world does not fall apart.
4. Let others in.
Delegating is not weakness. It is trust.
5. Rest without earning it.
You do not need perfection to deserve rest or joy.
Why Therapy Helps
Perfectionism is deeply tied to identity. It is not easy to undo alone, especially when fear has been running the show for years.
In therapy, we explore:
Where your perfectionism started.
How fear shows up in your daily life.
What values matter most to you.
Practical ways to step out of fear and into alignment.
The goal is not to make you careless. It is to help you live with less fear and more freedom.
An Invitation Forward
If perfectionism has been running your life, you are not broken. You are human, and you have learned to cope with fear in the best way you could.
But you do not have to stay stuck in the cycle forever.
In both individual therapy and my 12-week group program, The Fulfillment Formula, I help ambitious women in Utah move from fear-based perfectionism to values-based living.
Learn more about therapy options here:
https://www.theantioptimisttherapist.com/individual-counseling
